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| Enneagram Test Results
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Gets the grease...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Long time, no talk
And I'm not here to talk much, to be honest. Just took a personality test a friend had suggested and am posting my results in order to keep a record of them. The results don't really surprise me too much.
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Still a non-smoker and the big move
Yes, it's officially been something like seven or eight weeks and I guess I'm a true non-smoker now. It doesn't always feel that way and I still crave the act of smoking on a daily basis, but cigarettes themselves sound very unappealing to me. I guess that's something. I will say that I couldn't have done it without Ryan. Sincerely. I would have started smoking again by day three if he weren't around to keep me honest. With only one exception that I can think of, he never even mentioned it after we quit. He was just done.
Anyway! After five years of living in my teeny tiny apartment, I had accumulated a ton of crap and the moving process was about 50 times more difficult than I thought it would be. First of all, it was hot. Hot in the morning, hot in the afternoon, hot at 3:00am. The month before we moved and the month of the move itself were pretty miserable for packing and for going up and down and up and down and up and down six flights of stairs.
This what my cat thought of the heat.
As if I need to say it, he wasn't happy.
Our packing process seemed to take forever, too. This is how we were living for two weeks before we made the move.
It's amazing I didn't completely lose my shit on a daily basis. Oh wait, I did. Somehow Ryan managed not to leave me and I managed not to throw myself off my balcony, but it wasn't easy.
Then, finally...jackpot! We had the keys in our hand! Although I was emotionally exhausted and had been a wreck for going on two weeks now, I was so excited to get the move started, I had almost forgotten how miserable I was about to be!
Six flights of stairs, almost six years in an apartment that was literally STUFFED with furniture and electronics and crap. Ryan, his brother Shawn, and his Dad literally saved my life by doing the vast majority of the move. My brother showed up on our second weekend of moving and he and Ryan got all the random odds and ends that hadn't made the move the first weekend around.
As a small aside, while we were packing up, there was a couple having a serious fight next door. It got violent and I had to call the cops. It was awful and gee, am I glad I don't live there any longer!
Now here we are, approximately a month after moving and we've unpacked about 57-60%, with zero progress being done on the weekends. We got the place functional and then just kind of gave up for now. The area with the dining room table has been organized, but most of the boxes remain unpacked and unsorted. We aren't sure if our furniture is in it's final resting place and we're also not sure when we should start a project like painting. Those are my excuses. But, here is the good news! We do have our cable, internet and tv's setup...so there is that.
And, best of all, both my plants and my cats have survived the shock of moving and seem to be very happy here in their new home.
Also, Ryan seems pretty happy here, too.
Subsequently, I am, too.
Anyway! After five years of living in my teeny tiny apartment, I had accumulated a ton of crap and the moving process was about 50 times more difficult than I thought it would be. First of all, it was hot. Hot in the morning, hot in the afternoon, hot at 3:00am. The month before we moved and the month of the move itself were pretty miserable for packing and for going up and down and up and down and up and down six flights of stairs.
This what my cat thought of the heat.
As if I need to say it, he wasn't happy.
Our packing process seemed to take forever, too. This is how we were living for two weeks before we made the move.
It's amazing I didn't completely lose my shit on a daily basis. Oh wait, I did. Somehow Ryan managed not to leave me and I managed not to throw myself off my balcony, but it wasn't easy.
Then, finally...jackpot! We had the keys in our hand! Although I was emotionally exhausted and had been a wreck for going on two weeks now, I was so excited to get the move started, I had almost forgotten how miserable I was about to be!
Six flights of stairs, almost six years in an apartment that was literally STUFFED with furniture and electronics and crap. Ryan, his brother Shawn, and his Dad literally saved my life by doing the vast majority of the move. My brother showed up on our second weekend of moving and he and Ryan got all the random odds and ends that hadn't made the move the first weekend around.
As a small aside, while we were packing up, there was a couple having a serious fight next door. It got violent and I had to call the cops. It was awful and gee, am I glad I don't live there any longer!
Now here we are, approximately a month after moving and we've unpacked about 57-60%, with zero progress being done on the weekends. We got the place functional and then just kind of gave up for now. The area with the dining room table has been organized, but most of the boxes remain unpacked and unsorted. We aren't sure if our furniture is in it's final resting place and we're also not sure when we should start a project like painting. Those are my excuses. But, here is the good news! We do have our cable, internet and tv's setup...so there is that.
And, best of all, both my plants and my cats have survived the shock of moving and seem to be very happy here in their new home.
Also, Ryan seems pretty happy here, too.
Subsequently, I am, too.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
One week down
It's officially been over a week since I quit smoking. I thought it would get easier and easier with each day, but that hasn't really turned out to be the case. I will say that the urges come less and less frequently, but they are no less intense than they were on the first day of quitting. I know I can withstand them, as I've gone this far already, but it's definitely a trying time.
In addition to the uproar of quitting smoking, all the pieces of my townhouse buying experience are falling into place. Inspection, check. Appraisal, check. I haven't received any of the appraisal paperwork yet, nor has my mortgage broker called me to set up a signing date, but I know it'll be in about two weeks.
I'm hoping to do it no later than August 18th. That will give me a few week days to get some loose ends tied up, one Saturday to move all "fragile" items over and then Sunday to truly get my move on. I plan on only doing the bare minimum of cleanup at my current apartment before leaving it and never looking back again.
I'm so eager to be moved, it's hard not to get into a tizzy every day from impatience.
In addition to the uproar of quitting smoking, all the pieces of my townhouse buying experience are falling into place. Inspection, check. Appraisal, check. I haven't received any of the appraisal paperwork yet, nor has my mortgage broker called me to set up a signing date, but I know it'll be in about two weeks.
I'm hoping to do it no later than August 18th. That will give me a few week days to get some loose ends tied up, one Saturday to move all "fragile" items over and then Sunday to truly get my move on. I plan on only doing the bare minimum of cleanup at my current apartment before leaving it and never looking back again.
I'm so eager to be moved, it's hard not to get into a tizzy every day from impatience.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
It's mine
Victory, that is.
I made it through yesterday, which was one of the most physically uncomfortable days since the dawn of time. It was seriously overhot. I was so warm and chewing and choking down my air that the last thing I wanted to do was smoke.
Day two is looking and feeling much better.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Well, I quit smoking last night. I was and remain quite excited about that in itself. I read a book about the "Easyway" method of quitting smoking and just like that, my fear was gone. I wasn't giving up something, I was gaining everything.
However, not one hour after I extinguished my last cigarette ever, my cat got very sick. He was shitting blood, he was vomiting and at times, he was panting like a dog. I didn't know what to do. It was after 2:00am. My apartment was roughly 95 degrees because it never cools off in there, which is why I was up so late in the first place. So, eventually, my boyfriend took him into the bathroom, in case he needed to let loose from either end again while I cleaned up all the mess on the carpets. I ruined several towels and he ruined his catbed. Ryan took all that down to the dumpster and after assuring ourselves that he seemed in pretty good spirits again, we finally got to bed around 4:00. I wanted to have another "last" cigarette very badly, but we had thrown them all away and I did not.
Fast forward to 7:15 this morning when we were awoken by the familiar POUNDING of the jerkoffs putting a new roof on my building. I'm on the top floor. Each and EVERY morning for the last two weeks, they have started directly above my bed. I think they do it on purpose. I am starting to hate them on a personal level. They aren't supposed to start working until 8:30, but have started between 7:15 - 7:30 every day, even on Sundays. Ryan and I are both out of sorts and don't know if it should be blamed on the lack of cigarettes or the fact that we're going on less than four hours of sleep. We try to remind each other that we're in this together and to take care when talking to each other.
We end up leaving the house early. He wants to hit Starbucks, which I hate doing and it gives me an upset stomach. It's fine. We don't have to be at work for a while and if I had to sit and listen to them banging on the roof any longer, I was going to toss one of them off, 5 stories up or not.
We get to Starbucks and are in the drive through line and this young girl hits me. She hits my car fairly hard, but there is no damage. Ryan jumped out of the car and started yelling at her and got right into her face. I can see by her face that she's feeling threatened and is really upset. I tell him to get back in the car and then have to spend 5 minutes soothing her, even though she's the one that just caused this. She said she was tucking in her shirt and her foot slipped off the brake and onto the gas pedal. All this is going on while other people are behind us in line. We are holding up the works. The Sbux people are rude to me, as though I'm the one who caused the accident.
It was like a perfect storm of stress and emotion, all designed to get me to regret my decision to quit smoking. I haven't lit up yet and I don't intend to, but cheese and rice, today is proving to be a tough fucking day. I guess if I can make it through today, I can make it through anything.
However, not one hour after I extinguished my last cigarette ever, my cat got very sick. He was shitting blood, he was vomiting and at times, he was panting like a dog. I didn't know what to do. It was after 2:00am. My apartment was roughly 95 degrees because it never cools off in there, which is why I was up so late in the first place. So, eventually, my boyfriend took him into the bathroom, in case he needed to let loose from either end again while I cleaned up all the mess on the carpets. I ruined several towels and he ruined his catbed. Ryan took all that down to the dumpster and after assuring ourselves that he seemed in pretty good spirits again, we finally got to bed around 4:00. I wanted to have another "last" cigarette very badly, but we had thrown them all away and I did not.
Fast forward to 7:15 this morning when we were awoken by the familiar POUNDING of the jerkoffs putting a new roof on my building. I'm on the top floor. Each and EVERY morning for the last two weeks, they have started directly above my bed. I think they do it on purpose. I am starting to hate them on a personal level. They aren't supposed to start working until 8:30, but have started between 7:15 - 7:30 every day, even on Sundays. Ryan and I are both out of sorts and don't know if it should be blamed on the lack of cigarettes or the fact that we're going on less than four hours of sleep. We try to remind each other that we're in this together and to take care when talking to each other.
We end up leaving the house early. He wants to hit Starbucks, which I hate doing and it gives me an upset stomach. It's fine. We don't have to be at work for a while and if I had to sit and listen to them banging on the roof any longer, I was going to toss one of them off, 5 stories up or not.
We get to Starbucks and are in the drive through line and this young girl hits me. She hits my car fairly hard, but there is no damage. Ryan jumped out of the car and started yelling at her and got right into her face. I can see by her face that she's feeling threatened and is really upset. I tell him to get back in the car and then have to spend 5 minutes soothing her, even though she's the one that just caused this. She said she was tucking in her shirt and her foot slipped off the brake and onto the gas pedal. All this is going on while other people are behind us in line. We are holding up the works. The Sbux people are rude to me, as though I'm the one who caused the accident.
It was like a perfect storm of stress and emotion, all designed to get me to regret my decision to quit smoking. I haven't lit up yet and I don't intend to, but cheese and rice, today is proving to be a tough fucking day. I guess if I can make it through today, I can make it through anything.
Friday, July 24, 2009
My New Home
This was only the sixth place I looked at and when I initially did the drive by, I wasn't all that enamored with the place. The complex was small and intimate and the townhouse I was looking at was the farthest inside end unit, but still...I just wasn't 100% sold. The whole place needs a paint job.
Then on Tuesday, I met my real estate guy to take a look inside. I loved it. It is extremely private, from the back patio to all the windows. The only window you can look out and see other people is off the back deck of the master bedroom. We can look into the houses of the neighborhood behind us and they can do the same, if they happened to be sitting in their front yard.
Ryan and I went together and viewed it on Wednesday morning and just like that, I made an offer. She accepted that evening and all the sudden...no breaks. Things move very quickly in this beginning process. I've got the interest rate locked in at 5.375%, which I'm told is excellent. I have the inspection scheduled for Monday at 2:00pm and my mortgage broker told me the loan is set to close 30 days from yesterday.
Just like that, I'm a homeowner. I can't wait to move in. Behind our back patio is a strip of grass and just beyond the grass is a dirt area for me to use as I please. Some of my neighbors have flowers or shrubs planted, a few have actual gardens with vegetables planted. I'll have my garden!
Here is a photo of the complex itself. There are four buildings and each building has four units. I like it that it's small and that the entrances to each unit are staggered, so if I'm at my front door, I can't see my next door neighbor's front door.
Here is the front door. The current shrubs aren't anything to look at and my girlfriend has offered to donate a slew of succulents to put in that plot.
The kitchen is very good sized. Lots of cabinet space and matching, if not completely new, appliances. The shape is kind of funky, as you see in the next photo, but I like the angles.
Here I am with the real estate agent. I'm sure I'm saying something very important. The current stools at the eating bar need to go. They aren't comfortable at all. Ryan and I will find some comfortable ones we like.
The fireplace and back patio. There is a mirror above the fireplace, which will go immediately when we move in. It makes it look like the staircase is behind the fireplace. That would defy the laws of physics. Ryan didn't get any pictures of the staircase, but I wish he would have. It's very wide and I'm excited to get a railing that we like later on down the road.
We love the bay window, especially since it looks out past the fence into someone's backyard. The house on the lot next door is set way up, so it can't even be seen from the window. I want to fill it with plants. Ryan doesn't want me to. We'll see who wins that battle.
The back patio and deck off the master bedroom.
I didn't include pictures of the bedrooms because they have nothing in them yet to show the scale of how large they are. We're currently debating between using the master as a guest room/second living room and just moving our bed into the 2nd bedroom. We don't spend a ton of time in our bedroom, other than for sleeping or sexytime, so it's not a big deal if it's smaller than the master.
At any rate, I am thrilled to be moving out of my very small apartment and although the mortgage payment will take some time to get used to, it will be well worth it.
Then on Tuesday, I met my real estate guy to take a look inside. I loved it. It is extremely private, from the back patio to all the windows. The only window you can look out and see other people is off the back deck of the master bedroom. We can look into the houses of the neighborhood behind us and they can do the same, if they happened to be sitting in their front yard.
Ryan and I went together and viewed it on Wednesday morning and just like that, I made an offer. She accepted that evening and all the sudden...no breaks. Things move very quickly in this beginning process. I've got the interest rate locked in at 5.375%, which I'm told is excellent. I have the inspection scheduled for Monday at 2:00pm and my mortgage broker told me the loan is set to close 30 days from yesterday.
Just like that, I'm a homeowner. I can't wait to move in. Behind our back patio is a strip of grass and just beyond the grass is a dirt area for me to use as I please. Some of my neighbors have flowers or shrubs planted, a few have actual gardens with vegetables planted. I'll have my garden!
Here is a photo of the complex itself. There are four buildings and each building has four units. I like it that it's small and that the entrances to each unit are staggered, so if I'm at my front door, I can't see my next door neighbor's front door.
Here is the front door. The current shrubs aren't anything to look at and my girlfriend has offered to donate a slew of succulents to put in that plot.
The kitchen is very good sized. Lots of cabinet space and matching, if not completely new, appliances. The shape is kind of funky, as you see in the next photo, but I like the angles.
Here I am with the real estate agent. I'm sure I'm saying something very important. The current stools at the eating bar need to go. They aren't comfortable at all. Ryan and I will find some comfortable ones we like.
The fireplace and back patio. There is a mirror above the fireplace, which will go immediately when we move in. It makes it look like the staircase is behind the fireplace. That would defy the laws of physics. Ryan didn't get any pictures of the staircase, but I wish he would have. It's very wide and I'm excited to get a railing that we like later on down the road.
We love the bay window, especially since it looks out past the fence into someone's backyard. The house on the lot next door is set way up, so it can't even be seen from the window. I want to fill it with plants. Ryan doesn't want me to. We'll see who wins that battle.
The back patio and deck off the master bedroom.
I didn't include pictures of the bedrooms because they have nothing in them yet to show the scale of how large they are. We're currently debating between using the master as a guest room/second living room and just moving our bed into the 2nd bedroom. We don't spend a ton of time in our bedroom, other than for sleeping or sexytime, so it's not a big deal if it's smaller than the master.
At any rate, I am thrilled to be moving out of my very small apartment and although the mortgage payment will take some time to get used to, it will be well worth it.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Going to look at a few places tomorrow
Well, this process is zipping right along. Faster than I thought possible, in fact. Sure, I haven't even looked at my first place yet, but I can see how easy it might be to buy the first thing I like and call it a day. That's why I have a friend who is very familiar with buying real estate and also very skeptical. She's coming along with me to view all the properties and has hooked me up with an agent.
Unfortunately, I had to expand my desired neighborhood a bit farther north than I was planning on, but the expansion has given me options with far more amenities and square footage with a smaller price tag.
I'll be contacting the mortgage broker today, but based on my own research, there are still great loans to be had right now, if you just dig around a bit.
Unfortunately, I had to expand my desired neighborhood a bit farther north than I was planning on, but the expansion has given me options with far more amenities and square footage with a smaller price tag.
I'll be contacting the mortgage broker today, but based on my own research, there are still great loans to be had right now, if you just dig around a bit.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Homeowner
Yes, I want to be a homeowner and I want it right now. I'm not sure if I can make it happen, but I've got my eye on a few condos and I'm going to contact a couple of banks to find out if I qualify for and FHA loan. I believe I do. If I can get one, I'll only need 3.5% down and with a $225k loan, that's only $8000. I can easily borrow that from my 401k and pay myself back with my $8000 tax refund.
I want a big, beautiful kitchen.
I won't get anything like that in a condo, but I could still get a nice kitchen.
I also want a garden.
I realize I won't get that with a condo, either. I can live with that.
My only dilemma lies in the fact that I need a two bedroom apartment in order to fit both myself and my boyfriend. He isn't financially viable to help out much. He will help out by contributing to the mortgage, but it won't be anywhere near 50/50 and would likely be closer to an 80/20 split.
It's scary to have to buy bigger in order to fit someone who is likely a permanent fixture in my life, but we never know what the future holds. I'm making a commitment for myself, but I'm also making one for him. He seems okay with it, but is feeling pretty cautious at the same time.
Updates as they happen.
I want a big, beautiful kitchen.
I won't get anything like that in a condo, but I could still get a nice kitchen.
I also want a garden.
I realize I won't get that with a condo, either. I can live with that.
My only dilemma lies in the fact that I need a two bedroom apartment in order to fit both myself and my boyfriend. He isn't financially viable to help out much. He will help out by contributing to the mortgage, but it won't be anywhere near 50/50 and would likely be closer to an 80/20 split.
It's scary to have to buy bigger in order to fit someone who is likely a permanent fixture in my life, but we never know what the future holds. I'm making a commitment for myself, but I'm also making one for him. He seems okay with it, but is feeling pretty cautious at the same time.
Updates as they happen.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Dear God
I just today discovered Sarah McLachlan (who knew her name was spelled like that? not me.) did a cover of this song. It wasn't bad at all, but for me, this one will always be superior. Her version is sung with sadness, but this singer manages sheer desperation towards the end.
I suppose if I was forced to define my religious affiliation, I'd be an atheist. I don't care for the label much, though. I truly do not believe there is a "God", per se. That doesn't mean there may not be little "g" gods or beings beyond our realm of understanding. It probably goes without saying, but I also think the idea that a divine hand had anything to do with capital "L" Life is utter nonsense. Does that leave me as an atheist or somewhere between? I guess that's why the label doesn't quite fit right. One thing I can appreciate about religion(s) is the idea that people who truly *need* to feel something is watching over them can use that to draw strength from in dark times. Whatever it takes to get you through the day and if that is God, Allah, Jehovah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, then you go on doing what you need to do.
Just keep it to yourself and keep your beliefs from interfering with my body and my peace of mind, thanks.
I could have gone with some of the more offensive anti-abortion propaganda, but no one needs to see that crap.
I suppose if I was forced to define my religious affiliation, I'd be an atheist. I don't care for the label much, though. I truly do not believe there is a "God", per se. That doesn't mean there may not be little "g" gods or beings beyond our realm of understanding. It probably goes without saying, but I also think the idea that a divine hand had anything to do with capital "L" Life is utter nonsense. Does that leave me as an atheist or somewhere between? I guess that's why the label doesn't quite fit right. One thing I can appreciate about religion(s) is the idea that people who truly *need* to feel something is watching over them can use that to draw strength from in dark times. Whatever it takes to get you through the day and if that is God, Allah, Jehovah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, then you go on doing what you need to do.
Just keep it to yourself and keep your beliefs from interfering with my body and my peace of mind, thanks.
I could have gone with some of the more offensive anti-abortion propaganda, but no one needs to see that crap.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
I don't remember what story I was reading that linked to this website, but it was a few weeks ago and I still can't get it out of my head. I think these people do a necessary and vital service and wish more people knew they existed.
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/about_us/
I don't have children and it's unlikely I'll have them in the future, but I do have a heart and it was touched by these photos and the stories that go along with them. If you can support this non-profit organization with a donation, please, please do so!
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/about_us/
I don't have children and it's unlikely I'll have them in the future, but I do have a heart and it was touched by these photos and the stories that go along with them. If you can support this non-profit organization with a donation, please, please do so!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Relief, Jubilation, Peace of Mind
It's been nearly two weeks since I spoke to my friend. I tried calling twice last week to see if she was okay, but I didn't get a response. I finally got a text message on Friday that said she was sorry she hadn't called, but she had been more or less "checked out" for the week, as she was working through some things. I spoke to her today and she told me she had stopped taking her pain meds.
I burst into sobs of relief. At that release of the floodgates, I was able to express how worried I had been that the person I knew and loved was gone for good. She had been barely even a shadow of herself, but even after one week of weaning herself off them, she was fully recognizable to me again. She had been, in her own words, out of control. Two separate people confronted her and with that, she pulled herself out of the haze long enough to take stock of her situation. She didn't like what she saw.
I apologized profusely for not being able to be someone to help her see how far down she had fallen. She understood why I hadn't and admitted that if it had come from me, she didn't know if the effect would have been the same.
Either way, I feel this amazing sense of gratitude that someone was able to get through to her. She made the choice alone, she didn't tell anyone about it until after she went through her first week of severe depression and she has an appointment for later this week to get a cortizone injection in her back to help keep her off them.
Even now, a couple of hours later, I'm still feeling weepy. Selfishly, I can say that my tears are only partially happy for her. The other part of them is no longer having to feel heartbroken that I've lost my best friend.
I burst into sobs of relief. At that release of the floodgates, I was able to express how worried I had been that the person I knew and loved was gone for good. She had been barely even a shadow of herself, but even after one week of weaning herself off them, she was fully recognizable to me again. She had been, in her own words, out of control. Two separate people confronted her and with that, she pulled herself out of the haze long enough to take stock of her situation. She didn't like what she saw.
I apologized profusely for not being able to be someone to help her see how far down she had fallen. She understood why I hadn't and admitted that if it had come from me, she didn't know if the effect would have been the same.
Either way, I feel this amazing sense of gratitude that someone was able to get through to her. She made the choice alone, she didn't tell anyone about it until after she went through her first week of severe depression and she has an appointment for later this week to get a cortizone injection in her back to help keep her off them.
Even now, a couple of hours later, I'm still feeling weepy. Selfishly, I can say that my tears are only partially happy for her. The other part of them is no longer having to feel heartbroken that I've lost my best friend.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Censorship
To the few of you who have been here before and who may come back again, you may notice that I deleted all the posts regarding my friend who's erratic behavior was the catalyst for starting this blog. Although I wanted to have this private space to vent and possibly solicit advice, reading over them all at once just reminds me of how hurtful it would be if she were ever to see it by accident. My intent wasn't to trash and bash, it was to put all the details into one place to see if they did spell crazy or not. It's the most unlikely of coincidences, but we just never know...and so those entries are gone into the ether.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Smoking
I'm a smoker. I love smoking and I love my cigarettes. I could care fuck-all about the high price of a pack. If smoking were my only vice, I think I'd never want to quit.
My Dad had cancer of the throat. His cancer was directly related to his smoking and he quit the day he was diagnosed. It's been eleven years and he's now considered 100% cured of his cancer. His treatment wasn't pleasant and there were no doubt times when he wondered if it was going to be worth it. Thankfully for me as well as him, it was.
But, I still love smoking.
My boyfriend smokes, too. He was a light smoker when we started dating, but he also only smoked outside. Now that we live together and I have no such rules, he and I are both heavy smokers. When I lived alone, I never noticed the smell of smoke in my apartment. Most of my windows are left open nearly year round, so airflow wasn't a problem. Now, we step in from our long drive home and *sniff, sniff*..."It stinks in here!"
So, we've started the discussion. We both agree we'd like to quit...but we can't quite bring ourselves to set a date. Which method to use? Based on two separate friends' experiences with Chantix, I'm not going that route. My Mother actually uses one of those electric cigarettes when she goes on long flights or is on a long car trip.
Check it out. No tar or chemicals. Just straight nicotine.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-566351/The-electric-cigarette-gives-nicotine-hit-gets-round-smoking-ban.html
I don't think cold turkey is something I'd want to try. I also think it's unlikely anyone who has to spend time around me would like me to try it. That leaves the patch. I know it will work for the physical cravings, but how does anyone get around the habit side of smoking? Not the need for the chemicals and nicotine, but the act of smoking itself. Suckers? Hard candy? Gum? No thanks to all of the above. Suckers and hard candy leave my tongue raw and bleeding and I've already got serious teeth clenching and grinding issues, so gum isn't something I'm allowed to chew in the first place.
How does anyone drive without smoking? I believe that will be my biggest challenge, moreso than my first cigarette of the day or the coffee cigarette combo.
*sigh* I'm already dreading the very thought of trying to quit. Notice how I've already set myself up to fail? "Trying" to quit. I used the excuse of not wanting children for a very long time and while we still do not want children, I've now realized that I'd like to live into my retirement years...whether it's doing it "for the children" or not. There are a myriad of health problems that could prevent me from living well past retirement, but this is one I can control. I can take away the higher risks or a shorter life. Why wouldn't I do it?
Because I still love to smoke.
Alas, it isn't going to happen in the next few days, but I'll be sure to share the experiences of a 20 year smoker on the path to Quitsville as soon as I buy my ticket.
My Dad had cancer of the throat. His cancer was directly related to his smoking and he quit the day he was diagnosed. It's been eleven years and he's now considered 100% cured of his cancer. His treatment wasn't pleasant and there were no doubt times when he wondered if it was going to be worth it. Thankfully for me as well as him, it was.
But, I still love smoking.
My boyfriend smokes, too. He was a light smoker when we started dating, but he also only smoked outside. Now that we live together and I have no such rules, he and I are both heavy smokers. When I lived alone, I never noticed the smell of smoke in my apartment. Most of my windows are left open nearly year round, so airflow wasn't a problem. Now, we step in from our long drive home and *sniff, sniff*..."It stinks in here!"
So, we've started the discussion. We both agree we'd like to quit...but we can't quite bring ourselves to set a date. Which method to use? Based on two separate friends' experiences with Chantix, I'm not going that route. My Mother actually uses one of those electric cigarettes when she goes on long flights or is on a long car trip.
Check it out. No tar or chemicals. Just straight nicotine.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-566351/The-electric-cigarette-gives-nicotine-hit-gets-round-smoking-ban.html
I don't think cold turkey is something I'd want to try. I also think it's unlikely anyone who has to spend time around me would like me to try it. That leaves the patch. I know it will work for the physical cravings, but how does anyone get around the habit side of smoking? Not the need for the chemicals and nicotine, but the act of smoking itself. Suckers? Hard candy? Gum? No thanks to all of the above. Suckers and hard candy leave my tongue raw and bleeding and I've already got serious teeth clenching and grinding issues, so gum isn't something I'm allowed to chew in the first place.
How does anyone drive without smoking? I believe that will be my biggest challenge, moreso than my first cigarette of the day or the coffee cigarette combo.
*sigh* I'm already dreading the very thought of trying to quit. Notice how I've already set myself up to fail? "Trying" to quit. I used the excuse of not wanting children for a very long time and while we still do not want children, I've now realized that I'd like to live into my retirement years...whether it's doing it "for the children" or not. There are a myriad of health problems that could prevent me from living well past retirement, but this is one I can control. I can take away the higher risks or a shorter life. Why wouldn't I do it?
Because I still love to smoke.
Alas, it isn't going to happen in the next few days, but I'll be sure to share the experiences of a 20 year smoker on the path to Quitsville as soon as I buy my ticket.
Angsty
Every now and again, I hear a song that transports me back into the angsty years. Nobody understands me. Nobody loves me. No one has ever felt the way I feel before. I almost wish I had someone to dedicate this breakup song to...it's that good!
Lyrics down below...
I try to make it through my life
In my way
There's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, Deal with it
You try to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
I try to make you see my side
I Always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I got no room when it's like this
But you order me
just deal with it!
So
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
[Cello Solo]
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
[Piano Solo]
If you were or dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
(You won't be there for me)
I don't care
At all
Lyrics down below...
Music Videos by VideoCure
I try to make it through my life
In my way
There's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, Deal with it
You try to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
I try to make you see my side
I Always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I got no room when it's like this
But you order me
just deal with it!
So
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
[Cello Solo]
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
[Piano Solo]
If you were or dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
(You won't be there for me)
I don't care
At all
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Nurse Jackie
On an entirely different note, I've started watching the new Showtime series Nurse Jackie. I haven't necessarily been a huge Edie Falco fan, based on Carmella Soprano, but I thought she did a good job with a relatively unlikeable character.
Additionally, I wasn't sure what I thought of her new haircut.
Let me just say, the haircut and the show are delicious fun! While many of the characters are less than realistic, Jackie herself is the kind of brutally no-nonsense flawed mess of a woman that we could all use in our lives. Interesting I should feel so warmly towards the character, as she's got an addition to pain killers. I suppose this is the TV version of addiction, which is what makes it acceptable. It doesn't impair her ability to socialize or do her job...with one exception. She's cheating on her husband with a pharmacist who keeps her in pills.
The pain killer addiction aside, Jackie is all things that I believe more people should want to be. She's bullshit free, she doesn't filter herself in order to make other people comfortable, she breaks the rules when her conscience dictates and still manages to give off this enveloping comfort to her patients.
One of the most fascinating moments in the show, to me, was a conversation she was having with her husband about the "Super Collider". It referenced an earlier scene when she was having lunch with the pharmacist. Jackie's thoughts were along the lines of "Why would anyone spend 8 billion dollars on this?" The pharmacist, clearly a science geek, explained to her that they were searching for "the god molecule". They shared a moment when she laughed at him affectionately and then the scene ended. In the scene with Jackie's husband, he repeated what she had said earlier..."8 BILLION DOLLARS!" Jackie didn't miss a beat before answering, "They're looking for the god molecule." Her husband asked where she had heard that and she answered, "Oh, I get around." The look on Edie Falco's face sold the show for me completely. There was no remorse in her voice, no coyness of 'i've got a secret', no sidelong guilty glances to her husband, no pause at all. Either we're supposed to believe she's so numb from her painkillers that she feels nothing at all (it doesn't seem that way to me) or, she's so perfectly divorced herself from what goes on at the hospital that she's not clued into the fact that she's betraying her husband.
I can't wait to see more and hope this isn't a disappointment in the future. It could quickly show up on my top shows of all time list...right at the top.
Additionally, I wasn't sure what I thought of her new haircut.
Let me just say, the haircut and the show are delicious fun! While many of the characters are less than realistic, Jackie herself is the kind of brutally no-nonsense flawed mess of a woman that we could all use in our lives. Interesting I should feel so warmly towards the character, as she's got an addition to pain killers. I suppose this is the TV version of addiction, which is what makes it acceptable. It doesn't impair her ability to socialize or do her job...with one exception. She's cheating on her husband with a pharmacist who keeps her in pills.
The pain killer addiction aside, Jackie is all things that I believe more people should want to be. She's bullshit free, she doesn't filter herself in order to make other people comfortable, she breaks the rules when her conscience dictates and still manages to give off this enveloping comfort to her patients.
One of the most fascinating moments in the show, to me, was a conversation she was having with her husband about the "Super Collider". It referenced an earlier scene when she was having lunch with the pharmacist. Jackie's thoughts were along the lines of "Why would anyone spend 8 billion dollars on this?" The pharmacist, clearly a science geek, explained to her that they were searching for "the god molecule". They shared a moment when she laughed at him affectionately and then the scene ended. In the scene with Jackie's husband, he repeated what she had said earlier..."8 BILLION DOLLARS!" Jackie didn't miss a beat before answering, "They're looking for the god molecule." Her husband asked where she had heard that and she answered, "Oh, I get around." The look on Edie Falco's face sold the show for me completely. There was no remorse in her voice, no coyness of 'i've got a secret', no sidelong guilty glances to her husband, no pause at all. Either we're supposed to believe she's so numb from her painkillers that she feels nothing at all (it doesn't seem that way to me) or, she's so perfectly divorced herself from what goes on at the hospital that she's not clued into the fact that she's betraying her husband.
I can't wait to see more and hope this isn't a disappointment in the future. It could quickly show up on my top shows of all time list...right at the top.
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