Relief, Jubilation, Peace of Mind

It's been nearly two weeks since I spoke to my friend. I tried calling twice last week to see if she was okay, but I didn't get a response. I finally got a text message on Friday that said she was sorry she hadn't called, but she had been more or less "checked out" for the week, as she was working through some things. I spoke to her today and she told me she had stopped taking her pain meds.

I burst into sobs of relief. At that release of the floodgates, I was able to express how worried I had been that the person I knew and loved was gone for good. She had been barely even a shadow of herself, but even after one week of weaning herself off them, she was fully recognizable to me again. She had been, in her own words, out of control. Two separate people confronted her and with that, she pulled herself out of the haze long enough to take stock of her situation. She didn't like what she saw.

I apologized profusely for not being able to be someone to help her see how far down she had fallen. She understood why I hadn't and admitted that if it had come from me, she didn't know if the effect would have been the same.

Either way, I feel this amazing sense of gratitude that someone was able to get through to her. She made the choice alone, she didn't tell anyone about it until after she went through her first week of severe depression and she has an appointment for later this week to get a cortizone injection in her back to help keep her off them.

Even now, a couple of hours later, I'm still feeling weepy. Selfishly, I can say that my tears are only partially happy for her. The other part of them is no longer having to feel heartbroken that I've lost my best friend.

Censorship

To the few of you who have been here before and who may come back again, you may notice that I deleted all the posts regarding my friend who's erratic behavior was the catalyst for starting this blog. Although I wanted to have this private space to vent and possibly solicit advice, reading over them all at once just reminds me of how hurtful it would be if she were ever to see it by accident. My intent wasn't to trash and bash, it was to put all the details into one place to see if they did spell crazy or not. It's the most unlikely of coincidences, but we just never know...and so those entries are gone into the ether.

Smoking

I'm a smoker. I love smoking and I love my cigarettes. I could care fuck-all about the high price of a pack. If smoking were my only vice, I think I'd never want to quit.



My Dad had cancer of the throat. His cancer was directly related to his smoking and he quit the day he was diagnosed. It's been eleven years and he's now considered 100% cured of his cancer. His treatment wasn't pleasant and there were no doubt times when he wondered if it was going to be worth it. Thankfully for me as well as him, it was.

But, I still love smoking.



My boyfriend smokes, too. He was a light smoker when we started dating, but he also only smoked outside. Now that we live together and I have no such rules, he and I are both heavy smokers. When I lived alone, I never noticed the smell of smoke in my apartment. Most of my windows are left open nearly year round, so airflow wasn't a problem. Now, we step in from our long drive home and *sniff, sniff*..."It stinks in here!"



So, we've started the discussion. We both agree we'd like to quit...but we can't quite bring ourselves to set a date. Which method to use? Based on two separate friends' experiences with Chantix, I'm not going that route. My Mother actually uses one of those electric cigarettes when she goes on long flights or is on a long car trip.

Check it out. No tar or chemicals. Just straight nicotine.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-566351/The-electric-cigarette-gives-nicotine-hit-gets-round-smoking-ban.html

I don't think cold turkey is something I'd want to try. I also think it's unlikely anyone who has to spend time around me would like me to try it. That leaves the patch. I know it will work for the physical cravings, but how does anyone get around the habit side of smoking? Not the need for the chemicals and nicotine, but the act of smoking itself. Suckers? Hard candy? Gum? No thanks to all of the above. Suckers and hard candy leave my tongue raw and bleeding and I've already got serious teeth clenching and grinding issues, so gum isn't something I'm allowed to chew in the first place.

How does anyone drive without smoking? I believe that will be my biggest challenge, moreso than my first cigarette of the day or the coffee cigarette combo.



*sigh* I'm already dreading the very thought of trying to quit. Notice how I've already set myself up to fail? "Trying" to quit. I used the excuse of not wanting children for a very long time and while we still do not want children, I've now realized that I'd like to live into my retirement years...whether it's doing it "for the children" or not. There are a myriad of health problems that could prevent me from living well past retirement, but this is one I can control. I can take away the higher risks or a shorter life. Why wouldn't I do it?

Because I still love to smoke.

Alas, it isn't going to happen in the next few days, but I'll be sure to share the experiences of a 20 year smoker on the path to Quitsville as soon as I buy my ticket.

Angsty

Every now and again, I hear a song that transports me back into the angsty years. Nobody understands me. Nobody loves me. No one has ever felt the way I feel before. I almost wish I had someone to dedicate this breakup song to...it's that good!

Lyrics down below...

I Don't Care lyrics - Apocalyptica lyrics

I Don't Care Video - Apocalyptica Music Videos

Music Videos by VideoCure

I try to make it through my life
In my way
There's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do

Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, Deal with it

You try to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That's just part of it

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

I try to make you see my side
I Always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I got no room when it's like this
But you order me
just deal with it!

So

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

[Cello Solo]

(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)

[Piano Solo]

If you were or dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
(You won't be there for me)
I don't care
At all

Unoriginal

Doesn't every blog need a few arsty looking photos?

Nurse Jackie

On an entirely different note, I've started watching the new Showtime series Nurse Jackie. I haven't necessarily been a huge Edie Falco fan, based on Carmella Soprano, but I thought she did a good job with a relatively unlikeable character.

Additionally, I wasn't sure what I thought of her new haircut.



Let me just say, the haircut and the show are delicious fun! While many of the characters are less than realistic, Jackie herself is the kind of brutally no-nonsense flawed mess of a woman that we could all use in our lives. Interesting I should feel so warmly towards the character, as she's got an addition to pain killers. I suppose this is the TV version of addiction, which is what makes it acceptable. It doesn't impair her ability to socialize or do her job...with one exception. She's cheating on her husband with a pharmacist who keeps her in pills.



The pain killer addiction aside, Jackie is all things that I believe more people should want to be. She's bullshit free, she doesn't filter herself in order to make other people comfortable, she breaks the rules when her conscience dictates and still manages to give off this enveloping comfort to her patients.



One of the most fascinating moments in the show, to me, was a conversation she was having with her husband about the "Super Collider". It referenced an earlier scene when she was having lunch with the pharmacist. Jackie's thoughts were along the lines of "Why would anyone spend 8 billion dollars on this?" The pharmacist, clearly a science geek, explained to her that they were searching for "the god molecule". They shared a moment when she laughed at him affectionately and then the scene ended. In the scene with Jackie's husband, he repeated what she had said earlier..."8 BILLION DOLLARS!" Jackie didn't miss a beat before answering, "They're looking for the god molecule." Her husband asked where she had heard that and she answered, "Oh, I get around." The look on Edie Falco's face sold the show for me completely. There was no remorse in her voice, no coyness of 'i've got a secret', no sidelong guilty glances to her husband, no pause at all. Either we're supposed to believe she's so numb from her painkillers that she feels nothing at all (it doesn't seem that way to me) or, she's so perfectly divorced herself from what goes on at the hospital that she's not clued into the fact that she's betraying her husband.

I can't wait to see more and hope this isn't a disappointment in the future. It could quickly show up on my top shows of all time list...right at the top.